..the release..

..I received a letter yesterday that shook my fingers and sent me to my knees into a solat syukri....it also brought tears to my eyes..as I thanked Him for His little mercies..

..but allow me, being 'aged and senescent', to regress..

..a few decades ago...I was brash and confident..with legion of friends..assured with my job, savouring what little power that I had..I was that little Napoleon we talked about these days..

.. he came with a proposal..be a partner in his business venture..there was this project  that he landed..we'd share the profit..you sit back and I'll do all the work..I was reluctant, but he came again, whispering gains..or he would looked for someone else..and I agreed..and agreement I was to regret for the next twenty years of my life..

..yes, the project failed..there was a loan that he took that I was the guarantor..the bank manager was my scrabble kaki..and so it was that I was made a bankrupt..an insolvent wage earner..someone whose pecuniary position was causing serious embarrassment to the public service...suddenly I found that I could not renew my international passport..my right to travel was denied..I could not open accounts with any banks, own properties..cars or motorcycles..my account with Tabong Haji was frozen...I could not even be a Class F contractor..

..suddenly I was a person non-grata..I suffered, yes, but I learned to live with it..there was this hollowness in my heart but I made adjustments..I looked up to Him and accepted my fate..Lord..if this is payment for my sins..I accept it..for, indeed, I know not what You know...but there was no bitterness..just a feeling of being numb..for I took the turning with my eyes wide open..

..yesterday I received a letter of release from the Insolvency Department...releasing me of the shackles that bound my wings...copies of letters send by them to all the relevant agencies informing of the release...

..this morning I opened the door of my house to the golden rays of the sunrise..I felt its warmth on my cheeks..I took off my cap and let it danced and played with my gray and white hair..I ignored the damp in my eyes and the choking in my throat..I looked up to the translucent sky..I picked up Ayam brushing herself against my feet..I kissed her...

...God is Great...AllahuAkbar...............

..one still night..

..her stirring awakes him..he stretches out and she curls as he gently strokes her..through the window, a waning moon sends in its silvery light and with its soft glow he casts a sleepy eye at the clock looking down upon him benignly..it is 3 o'clock in the morning...by the time he comes out of the bathroom, she stretches, acknowledging him with a small meow...as he dresses for prayer, she rubs herself against his legs..he pushes her aside, and stood in a 'qiam'...Allah...hu akbar...and she lies in a crouch next to his prayer-mat...

Lord, Your Mercy is like the rain that falls unabated from the heaven above..and Your Compassion the clouds from which burst forth the rain....I am never among those deserving your Edens and Heavens...but I am too weak and puny for the pain and suffering of your punishment and purgatory...I seek your Forgiveness..and I seek Your Mercy...

..he sits there a moment in the stillness, suddenly aware of her purring as unconsciously he strokes her...

..Lord, let this tears be a testimony to a pair of eyes that reach out to the deepest abyss of my heart...  with only one desire...accept me, Lord, as your guest, that I may feast those eyes on your House....that I may cry out...

..

.. a place too far..

....God planted the seeds of remembrance to all those who made the pilgrimage to Makkah...and those seeds sprouted and flowered in some corner of our hearts...wafting longings in every veins and spores for a time when we can go back and once again prostrate on the shining, marble floors of Haram...

..tawaf from the roof of Haram..

..Lord, You are the Most Compassionate and the Most Loving....and I am asking too much...

...little tokens..

.they came, wizened and sunburnt folks from my village..their calloused palms weary from toiling the land..they wished me well..and they slipped a note as we salam'ed...a tiny portion of their daily toil - hot sweat and burning tears..and pakmat could not verily refused, no matter the lumps that stuck in the throat..and pakmat realised that little deeds such as these are impossible to repay..no matter in how many lifetimes..may the Lord blessed them...and may the Lord forgive me...

..pakmat, lc and the haj,,

    Sports blogger, Rizal Hashim, of blog Loose Canon,  (read his blog here) is a much traveled man..it is in the nature of his job that he covers the globe...and pakmat would follow his blog and travels with a tinge of envy..now here is a young man who has made the world as his playground, and pakmat is still peering hesitatingly from under his coconut-shell..a glitch early in my career had removed my right to a passport and along with it the right to travel..but I have made Bachok as my place for atonement and so quietly I quelled whatever travel itch that I had..

..lc at gate 85, MasjidillHaram..with his daughter, son and nephew..

enjoying a snack with wife, no doubt, the photographer..pic taken

from his blog..'tanpa izin'..

..there was a time, on reading my blog, he suggested that I make a trip to London, where my 3rd daughter is. He must have been tickled that I know so much about the city and yet not been there...and  I said, nay..there is a journey I have to make first..there is a  little flame that was burning in my heart unheeded until it turned into a raging fire that I found impossible to ignore or douse...my prayers were unto Him, along with my tears that kept on supressing the despair..and the hopelessness of it all..but throughout I kept my faith in Him..for man will always proposed..and God disposes...

....I am going to make that journey now, lc..God listens..and God grants according to His will...no, maybe I will not have that ikan dory..or meet Kanoute, but I will be there at Masjidil-Haram, and tawaf the Kaabah, if He so Wills it..and if He so Wills it, I will saie from Sofa to Marwah....and wukuf at Arafat...and I will cry out with the rest of them, Labaikallah humma labbaik...here I am, Lord, Your servant...

..the surrender..

..friends and well-wishers..with their doa's and tokens..

..nothing really prepared  me for the haj...neither the friends, relatives and well-wishers who came and gave advice and tips...or the weekly Haji courses that I attended from early this year..or the book by Professor Kamil, ' A Haji Travelogue'   a gift from an fb friend, which I carried with me and read whilst on the almost 9 hour plane ride to Jeddah...I have never been there before..and all those places that they mentioned I could but imagined..or googled..

..our first view of the Kaabah..foreground,

back to camera is missus..

..I thought it going to be a cinch..after all, it is just some rituals..physically you have to walk more than usual..but you set the pace..and nothing is coercive..but spiritually, I have much to fear..I am sinner..I have committed great sins..even though I have repented, there was a niggling doubt that my repentance was not enough...I tried to supress this fear of the Lord's retribution...but every so often it surfaced...stories abound of such retributions, and in no small way, it feeds my fear...

..hajjah-to-be, gathering for our first march to MasjidilHaram..

..the fear drove me to wake up on the last quarter of the night, for almost every night, a month before my departure, my wife and me..and most times, Ayam sprawled somewhere near....we stood together, with 9 rakaats, facing Him...

..'Lord, Most Loving and Most Compassionate...we seek your Forgiveness...for we have sinned..committed evil deeds...we paid scant heed to your Messenger, Muhammad s.a.w...and we put aside your Words'...we bared our souls...emptied that we had hidden within our chests....those that we camouflaged within our minds...we beseech your forgiveness, Lord....

..looking back, I did not know when it happened..but sometimes before our departure, Ayam snuggled my ankles and I realised that the fear was gone..in its place was acceptance...and a peaceful surrender to God's Will...

La illa hailla anta subha nakainni kun tuminna zalimin..

..None has the right to be worshipped but you, O Glorious One, truly 

I have been of the WrongDoers...

..the flight..

..among my family circles and close friends, I am known for my fear of flying..during my hey days I rather drove to the capital rather than fly...it was a standing joke..and so it was that when it became known pakmat would be making the haj, the incredulous reaction would be, 'What?!..and how is he going to go there?..by boat..?'....and as it sank in, and knowing what I am capable of, "Surely he is not going to drive there?!'...even my ex-wife in KL posed the question to me through her mother...and my daughter in London queried her siblings for confirmation.....hah, I retorted,  ...there is still some gum in this old coot yet...

..my luggage and hers..hardly

40 kilos between us..

..yes.... I am going to fly there like everyone else..for in the haj, when you stepped out of your home to start the journey, you are prepared for all eventualities, including death...and pakmat started with overcoming his fear of flying and his fear of being confined in narrow spaces, claustropohbia..

..the farewell at Sultan Mahmood Airport, Kuala Terengganu..

..much to his surprise, he survived the flight...he went on to enjoy the food served, bantered with the air-stewardess, with the chief steward offering him a prayer mat and a place to pray normally, instead of in the seat... he even peered through the window and took shots with his camera-phone, HTC Aria, which was to be his constant companion in the Holy Land..

..pakmat first view of Jeddah..

...later, I was to learn that I have been prepared for the journey unknowingly to a certain degree...and later, I was to learn that the rest was up to me...Praise be unto You, Lord..for You know what I know not...